Jeff Adams

We acquire the strength we overcome - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Yesterday’s comments on grief evidently hit a need. Thanks for the great comments both here and on FaceBook. The interest was high enough that maybe some more thoughts might be of benefit.

In 1969 Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross wrote a landmark book entitled On Death and Dying. There’s a good chance you are somewhat familiar with the five stages of grief, or cycle of grief, that she sets forth in the book. Kübler-Ross aimed to increase sensitivity of those who deal with grieving or dying people.

Remember that people grieve not only upon the death of a loved one, but also grieve the death of a dream, vision, relationship, marriage, career or any other tightly-held emotional attachment. One diagnosed with a terminal disease also goes through a grieving process.  Here are the stages Kübler-Ross observed.

Denial – this can’t be happening to me!

Anger – Why me? This is just not fair?

Bargaining – I’d do anything for a few more years. What if I did __________, then maybe God would, could ________.

Depression – the reality of the loss begins to set in and the person despairs.

Acceptance – in this stage the person begins to come to terms with the loss and is able to move on even though the reality of the loss is always present.

Over the past several decades, researchers have both confirmed and challenged Kübler-Ross’s theory. Google her name and you can spend the rest of the night reading. That discussion is far beyond us, but what I do want to point out is that grief is a natural process of life. It’s not an event; it’s a process. People respond differently to grief even though there may be some commonalities.

These five stages of grief should not be thought of in a simplistic or black/white manner. They are not absolute, but only meant as a guide to what often happens as people grieve. Here are some thoughts about this cycle of grief that would be good to take into account.

• These five stages of grief can be experienced in a matter of a few hours, days, weeks or months. It might be helpful to simply observe where a person is in the process to guide you in your interaction, prayer and help.
• It has been observed that these stages sometimes occur out of sequence, or even simultaneously. A person can go through the entire cycle repeatedly. As I said earlier, these are not absolute and not to be thought of as “five simple steps.” Kübler-Ross herself said that not everyone experiences all five stages, though she believed that everyone goes through at least two. She spoke of a “roller coaster” effect where some people swing from one to the other, often hitting on one stage many times before working through it.
• Understanding that grief is a process, it is advisable not to make long term, life-changing decisions while grieving.
• Yesterday I said that one of the things we can do to help people who are grieving is to lovingly walk with them through the process, not teaching or preaching, but understanding that they are going through a process that requires much unconditional love and acceptance and structure to have space, place and time to experience the grief.
• There is no set or standard time frame for the grief process. People can return to life as normal, but the loss is still very real and always will be. When people get stuck in the grieving process that is when problems can occur. This often happens when we try to fight the natural process of grief, suppress it, deny it or avoid it in some way. That’s what is not normal.

Even once you have processed your grief, you or someone you love may tear up or become a bit depressed on an important anniversary or holiday that holds significance. Sometimes, grief just sneaks up and grabs us with no warning and for no perceived reason.

When any of the above happens, this does not mean that you or anyone else is weak, lacking in faith or too emotional, etc. It means that we are human. If it happens to you, think about passages such as Romans 5:3-5. If it happens to someone close to you, love them; don’t judge them. I’m reading Job at the moment. You don’t want to follow the example of Job’s friends. The book of Job is a clinic on how NOT to help someone in the grieving process.

The Bible is amazingly filled with teaching and examples of human grief and the right and wrong ways to process it. That might make a good study if this is of interest or need to you.