“So, what’s the weirdest food you ever had to eat?” That’s one of the FAQ’s when someone finds out what I do and that my passport is about the size of the latest Senate appropriations bill.

Missionaries love to make people think they eat horrible, exotic goop that you have to choke down in order to survive. Since I was once sort of a missionary and still travel the globe in missionary circles, the assumption is that I have to woof down awful food like Asian toad brains or Aardvark butter stew. My first time in South Africa years ago my friends delighted in getting me to eat Monkey Gland Sauce, a condiment that has nothing to do with monkeys and is more like a sweet Worcestershire sauce, so mainstream you can get it on your burgers at McDonald’s.

While in South Africa I did resist the temptation to gnaw on boiled sheep skulls. Seriously! I once walked into a place that served them, had them lining the walls of the joint and the stench was so bad it slapped me in the face the minute I opened the door. “Sir, would you like you skull with or without eyeballs in the sockets?”

Sure, I’ve had to eat some pretty gnarly stuff in my day. I find the best policy is simply to not ask. But, to be honest, most of what I’ve had to eat has been pretty doggone tasty. No, let me be really honest. I like LOVE food! “Bring it to me! Bring it ALL and bring it NOW!”

This can present some real challenges in the area of weight control. I was thinking about this the other day as my wonderful Costa Rican assistant took me to a new Austrian restaurant in town for my birthday. She had never had German/Austrian food before, and I was suddenly translating the menu for her. It dawned on me – I’m perfectly bilingual in Spanish and English, speak enough German to get into trouble, but DANG! I’m totally fluent in like 52 cuisines! Are you beginning to get my problem?

To further complicate this matter, when I travel I do not usually frequent 5 star hotels, Michelin 4 star restaurants and the like. Since I am usually with the locals, I am usually eating with the locals and like the locals. And, usually, that is a very good thing. Sometimes I am staying in a home and eating off the table of a real live family that has decided to kill the fatted calf and make a banquet since the man of God has come to dwell in the family hacienda. This is all pure goodness!

Furthermore, when said family has prepared the very greatest of local culinary delights, there is no way on earth that I am going to gracefully be getting out of sampling the whole spread. Some of the places I go are what are called “shame cultures,” meaning that a person’s honor is the highest value and to suffer shame is life’s worst nightmare. To refuse that dumpling made with a bucket of lard and 5 pounds of butter would be unthinkable. Forget about explaining how you ate late last night and feel bloated. Doesn’t work. Worse, I don’t want the responsibility of knowing that Mrs. Unpronounceable Name is going to spend eternity in Hell because the man of God brought shame to her and her ancestors by refusing that second helping of award-winning seal mush. No! Don’t want THAT on my record!

You’ll find that when you are somewhere in inner Slobbabistan, where you just forgot how to say “thank you, but I’m full,” there is no way you are going to communicate, “I just became a vegetarian last week,” or “is this glutton free?” “Sugar substitute” was not on the handy traveler’s vocabulary list you found on the Internet the night before you left. In some cultures to say “thank you,” means “I’m full,” and “no thanks” means “pile it on!” But, then I forgot which culture that was.

So, I’ve learned to eat, eat well and enjoy it thoroughly. Well … most of it.

Even at home the problem persists. People love to invite us to eat and we love to accept! Except that we rarely get to eat at home, and often have days where we are running from one event at which food is served to another. Just this weekend it cut our souls to the quick to have to refuse some amazing Caribbean food at a wedding anniversary celebration because we were to the point of retching from having gone to so many food events and had more on the agenda.  So much food, so little time!

So, how does the pastor keep from becoming beyond just a bit pudgy? If I let myself go, I think I could balloon up pretty fast. Moving around with a completely erratic schedule, the fad diets are not going to cut it. Try looking up the calorie count and fat % for mondongo (tripe soup) on that handy little calorie counter you just downloaded on your Blackberry.

“Excuse me, would you mind if I stopped preaching for just a few moments? I’m trying to drop a few pounds and the alarm just went off on my cell phone. I need to go right now and eat one of my six meals for the day. It’s important that I be consistent and keep on schedule. I knew you wouldn’t mind!”

By now you see that my options are few. I make the healthy choices when I can (Let’s see. Should I take the fried cheese balls or the yogurt?), and I try to exercise portion control as much as is humanly possible within the confines of the culture context where I am currently stuffing my face.

But, here’s the real tip I’ve learned. I fast. Yep! I really do. Twice a week if I can, and at least one day for sure.

Yes, I hear all of you who have studied the nutrition of diets and how fasting jacks with your metabolism and causes you to get a double chin in less than three weeks. I can promise you that no company making billions off of overweight people is going to let you see any research that would suggest that something as simple as fasting (no special foods, nothing to buy, nothing to carry with you) is going to help you control your weight. Here’s a link for some actual research to demonstrate the benefits of fasting if you are really interested.

Could it really be that something mentioned in the Bible could be beneficial to your health? What would Jesus know about weight control? No, I don’t fast for 40 days, or even 4. Once or twice a week for 24 hours. Period.

Here come the legalists! Watch out!

“You can’t do that! That doesn’t count! Fasting in the Bible is a spiritual activity. If you aren’t on your face praying and suffering and being miserable and all that, how in the world do you think God could be pleased with you?”  (I’m also on a permanent legalism fast).

Go back and reread. I never said this was a spiritual activity. I said I don’t want to get fatter. I really think God is OK with that. And, I’ll tell you what. I’ve even discovered that if I pray while I’m fasting for physical reasons, so far God has not gotten mad at me.

I’m writing this on a flight to Lima. Once there, I am anticipating some good eating. So, this means no food since last night. I’ve learned that I can do this. It’s not all that hard. Well, I must admit that the temptation to start chewing on some of the subscription cards in the magazines in the seat pocket in front of me sometimes gets intense. But, I am sitting in coach and the temptation to eat real food is thereby minimized.

When I do this little fasting regimen, I find that I can eat just about everything in moderation – smaller portions, chew slowly  … You know the drill, don’t you?

In discussing the perils of having to hide from certain friends on FaceBook, a friend and I had a synergistic moment. What would it look like if the Psalms were written in the context of today’s communication technology and social networking? Maybe it would look something like this. The contrast is particularly stark with the KJV.

(Psalms 27:9) Hide not thy face far from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation.

= God! Don’t Un-Friend me!

(Psalms 69:17) And hide not thy face from thy servant; for I am in trouble: hear me speedily.

= Need help! C me in chat room NOW!

(Psalms 102:2) Hide not thy face from me in the day when I am in trouble; incline thine ear unto me: in the day when I call answer me speedily.

= When u c my name on Caller ID, ANSWER!

(Psalms 143:7) Hear me speedily, O LORD: my spirit faileth: hide not thy face from me, lest I be like unto them that go down into the pit.

= Sending email with details. Get back to me ASAP.

(Psalms 126:2) Then was our mouth filled with laughter, and our tongue with singing: then said they among the heathen, The LORD hath done great things for them.

= LOL!!! Can’t wait to post what you did for me!

Not quite as elegant as the Queen’s English, but I’m just saying that God also understands our language. You might be able to come up with some better examples.

Sorry. Never bought into the fad. Never wore the bracelet. The question, though, is quite often valid.

Take the other day, for example. Cheryl and I are just settling into our seats having boarded our flight from Anchorage to Houston on the way home from our Alaskan adventure. When we travel together we agree to sit in aisle seats across from each other. We can both potty when necessary without having to inconvenience fellow travelers and neither has to sit in the dreaded middle seat. One of the advantages of having a lot of FF miles is that I and a companion of my choice can board early with the elite people (usually about half the frickin’ plane) and get a first shot at the overhead bins.

Our flight is jammed packed and the herds of weary, greedy, aggressive passengers have begun their charge down the aisle. Facing them, my mind flashes back to the thousands of salmon we saw swimming, jumping, slithering upstream in their mad race to spawn and die. I try to read, but think that the Grizzly Bear we saw could make his way down the aisle more gracefully than many of these humanoid travelers.

Suddenly, my head is driven to the left with synchronized pain. A backwhacker nails me with a force that smashes my glasses into my eye and temple, knocking them off and leaving my forehead with broken skin and a red knot. The nice and nerdy 14-year-old in the middle seat even looks up momentarily from his video game to say, “Geeze, mister, you OK?”  Don’t know about you, but any blow hard enough to distract a 14-year-old from a video game is pretty serious stuff.

I know this must sound cheesy, but do you ever think, “What would Jesus do?” I mean, really! I know he had to deal with the Pharisees and that wouldn’t have been pleasant, but Jesus never had to travel on an overbooked 737. If he had, I’m pretty sure he would have jumped right over the present age and gone straight to the Great White Throne Judgment.

I sit nursing my wound, alternating between feeling severely irritated and sorry for myself. I know, you’re shocked that the man of God would not automatically say, “Father, forgive these morons, for they know not whom they whack.”

Not so! The man of God IS irritated and IS feeling sorry for himself. Oh the thoughts that come to mind! What would Jesus do indeed! Satan himself is breathing his fiery dragon breath in my ear.

“If thou truly be the servant of God, then command him to move you to first class.”

Come on! You have those weird thoughts sometimes, don’t you?

Wait! There’s more. As I try to adjust my attitude, another drama unfolds across the aisle. Cheryl, unaware of my trial of faith, sits contentedly reading her historical novel as a 50-something graying blond swaggers toward her with a defiant look in her eye. OK, maybe she was 40-something and just didn’t do her makeup that day. Or, maybe she had just spent too many years in the Roller Derby. Whatever, she reached directly above Cheryl, removed Cheryl’s backpack and headed down the aisle to deposit it in a bin or two behind her. This broad was not even sitting in the aisle with Cheryl, but two rows ahead of her.

I see Cheryl lift her head in disbelief. She can’t believe what is happening. My normally cheerful and pleasant wife begins to sputter,

Excuse me, Ma’am. Ma’am, excuse me! That’s my bag.

Not to be detoured, the blond pauses in her mission no more than a mother Grizzly separated from her cubs. Without a word she then lifts up her roll-on and hoists it with a flourish into the bin above Cheryl’s head.

“Ma’am, excuse me, that was my bag that I put there and that you have now moved.”

Finishing her bin invasion, the blond stops, glares and growls,

“I know. I moved it back there because I need to  put my bag here. You got a problem with that?”

I sit paralyzed with amazement in my aisle seat. What would Jesus do?

To start with, I know that Jesus would have been in an aisle seat like mine. Not even Jesus would want that middle seat.

Would Jesus punch a woman? Would Jesus cuss a woman? Would Jesus begin to pull out hunks of dirty blond hair? I’m running down my check list of options.

Had she been a man, I probably wouldn’t have been asking what Jesus would have done. I probably would have finally found something useful to do with over 20 years of martial arts. I probably would be having a discussion with a room of air marshals trying to explain what I had just done.

Had she been a man, I would have chosen from those options. But, then again, she wasn’t a lady.

My poor mind was trying to process all this information in an eternity of mili-seconds when God sent an angel to intervene before I did or said something stupid. This angel miraculously appeared from the midst of the carbon 14 units crowded in the aisle, gently took the blond’s roll-on and turned it from its horizontal position, inserting it once again wheels in first. Voilà! The roll-on now occupied only half the previous space freeing up just enough room for a — backpack!

Grudgingly, the blond looked at Cheryl and said,

“Well, you want me to move your bag back here? I think there’s room now.”

Cheryl - “Yes, I would prefer that. Thank you.”

This all happened so fast. I looked across the aisle at Cheryl. We stared at each other, mouths open, eyes wide in amazement. What had just happened?

So now I’m really thinking – I’m serious about this – what would Jesus do? Funny how we seem to pick scriptures out of context in moments like that to justify just about anything. For example, I’m thinking Jesus might,

• Grab that Klondike souvenir bull whip and being to run all the Bullwinkle look-a-likes out of the aisle as he proclaims in a thunderous voice, “You have taken my father’s plane and made it into a den of obnoxious, rude and ugly people.
• In a more loving moment, he might have said, “If any woman moves your backpack, let them move it one bin and then even go the extra bin. But by all means draw the line at three!”

The backpack was eventually moved back to the proper bin, but even then I fought the urge to say something, to put her in her place, to let her know she can’t get away with stuff like that. Or, maybe I should just do as Jesus did with the woman caught in adultery and say, “Go, and bin no more.”

Seriously, I struggle with these things. If my faith doesn’t work in a stuffy, stinky oversold 737, then I don’t want anything to do with it. I mean that. It’s easy to sit in the sanctity of the sanctuary and theorize about what would Jesus do in all the great issues of life. But it’s usually the little stuff that brings out the reality of our faith – or not.

And, even when our faith is genuine, it’s always God’s grace that ultimately comes through and saves the day. It’s God’s grace that uses the momentary short-circuiting of my brain cells responding to the surreal circumstances around me to overcome my natural temptations and inclinations to protect me from doing or saying something stupid that would discredit the holy name.  Wow! Did you catch all that last sentence?

If we are really going to grow, it will show in the little stuff of our daily lives. As Solomon said, it’s the little foxes that spoil the vines.

What would Jesus do?

At College Fjord

Well, I know some of you are anxiously awaiting word on the cruise thing. Without wasting any time I’ll get right to the meat – I loved it! Can you believe it!

Two issues concerned me.

Issue #1 – Do I really have to dress up for a formal dinner two times?

Yes, but I found out that few guys are packing tuxedos these days. I got by just fine with a sports coat and tie like half of the other males. Some of the older men didn’t even go that far, wearing a wrinkled shirt and maybe a tie about 30 years past prime. This confirms a theory – you reach an age when you do pretty much what you darn well please and dare anyone to question you. (I’m not that old – yet).

Issue #2 – Do I really have to sit at the same table with the same people each night? What will I say? I’m an introvert, remember?

OK, it wasn’t that bad. The two other couples at our table were very nice. That’s good. I would have been majorly ticked off if they would have been jerks, whiners or grumpy. They weren’t. However, they made us look like world class conversationalists. Can you imagine THAT! We really didn’t have anything in common and they weren’t too forthcoming with the talk.

Sample conversation:

Us: “So, have you cruised before?”

Them: “Yes.”

Us: Well, did you enjoy it?

Them: “Yes.”

Us: “Do you have any children?”

Them: “Yes.”

After that snapshot of table conversation, I found that I was content to smile, stare over the heads of my table mates and watch glaciers or something like that, or even just water. It wasn’t bad. Plus, the two waiters that we had every night were Mexican and we passed the time having more conversation in 30 second Spanish sound bites in the midst of serving than with the others. Not only that, the food was good – really good!

Here’s the list of what we really enjoyed.

• This was a really cool way of celebrating a 40th wedding anniversary.
• The scenery was out of this world! There is no picture or words to describe what we saw. Really. I was totally blown away. I’m glad we spent the money to have a room with a balcony.
• The entertainment was first class. There was always something interesting to do from music shows, comedians, magicians to lectures on really interesting stuff, including 4 by naturalist Kathy Slamp who was raised as an MK in Alaska.
• Whale watching – not only orcas, but we saw tons (quite literally) of hunchback whales from the ship. We even saw one breech (jump totally out of the water). In Juneau we went with Herv and Merv’s whale watching one day in a little boat for only six people. We had an amazing time with several whales surfacing within 20 yards of the boat – about as close as I care to get. Our guide was as amazed as we were. They always see some whales, but not as many or as close.
• We loved walking around the little Alaskan towns of Ketchikan, Juneau and Skagway on the three stops our ship made. Did I mention the weather was perfect? Everyone we met talked about how horrible the weather has been this season, until the day we arrived.
• Glacier By and then College Fjord. I have no words. We stood in awe. We saw icebergs calved. The weather was such that we saw everything, even three bears scavaging a dead whale washed up on shore.
• Following the cruise we went on land excursions to Denali Park and McKinley Park. Another wow! On one tour a grizzly bear approached from the right, crossed right in front of the bus and we were able to watch him scoot along for a long time. Shortly after that we saw several caribou including the most mature male (from his antler system) our guide had seen in 20 years. We also saw moose (more than one – mooses? I know it’s not mice, but don’t fully understand why), and other assorted critters. Our guide was out of her mind, crazy excited. She does this tour all season long a couple of times a day and has only seen four bears all season and never up close like this. Seriously, she was goofy-giddy, all smiles and much more excited than even we were. On another tour our van was able to pull up right alongside of a huge black bear feeding on berries (like 6 ft away).

Everywhere we went locals and guides told us that we have had the best weather of the season. They also said we have seen more than just about any other group. At McKinley Park our only slight, selfish disappointment was not being able to see The Mountain, Mount McKinley, Denali (it’s so big it has three names!) in all its glory.

The last morning we sat and watched as clouds threatened to give us a show. Honestly, it was like the mountain was an old time burlesque dancer, teasing by showing just a little bit of herself form time to time.

From there we went to Anchorage to spend the night and next day before flying home late Thursday night. We woke up the next morning to a crystal clear day, looked out the window of our 8th floor hotel room and saw the entire Alaskan Range including McKinley. This was the first day in 39 straight days in Anchorage it had not rained and the first day in two months they had seen the Sun. Yes, it was the day we were there. Yeah, we saw it all!

Here’s what I’m taking away from this. I would have missed this fabulous display of God’s creative genius if I would have not have set set aside my little issues, personalities quirks, likes and dislikes. You might remember that I said this was going to be a streeeeeetch!

Well, I’m glad I stretched, even when it was not comfortable for me. We saw things many people will never see. We saw more in one trip than many see in several trips to Alaska.

Many people, I think, go through life comfortably hidden away in their little bubble. They don’t like change, or stretching, or stepping out beyond their comfort zone. Consequently, they miss out on the fullness and beauty of life that God has for them. How sad.

All year we have had the theme of Grow. I’ m very excited for this Fall because on September 12th we start our next series called Breaking Through Glass Ceilings. It’s all about growth. I suppose you could just sit back in your little bubble, but I would urge you to come and stretch with me. You never know what you’ll see.

Tomorrow morning we finish our study of The Mission. Right after that, Cheryl and I head to the airport. We are going on vacation – sort of. Actually we are going to celebrate our 4oth anniversary by going on an Alaskan cruise. We have never been on a cruise, but this is something she has always wanted to do. For me, this is going to be a

Streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetch!

We set the theme for this year in a single word – grow. So, if everyone is going to grow, that means that as a leader I have to grow. In the last post I was remembering doing some growing at the Ultimate Leadership conference. That was some painful growth. Now, I’m going on a cruise – for me, more growth. What was I THINKING of when I set that theme?

Here’s why this is a stretch for me. I’ve never been on a cruise. Never wanted to go on a cruise. Always feared going on a cruise. To me a cruise sounds like a cage. I don’t like cages … or boxes … or being fenced in … or anything like that. We sit at the same table each night with the same people that we don’t know. Two nights are formal nights and I have to wear a jacket and tie. Can you see my dilemma?

A cruise?? I don’t even do vacations well! I’ve been here long enough that the church now gives me four weeks a year vacation.  If I take 10 days that’s a lot. I can be a real jerk about these things. I have a hard time relaxing, a hard time shutting down, a hard time sleeping, stopping, or anything else that might not be full speed ahead. I told you I can be a real jerk. I’m not proud of this. I’m really embarrassed. This is just the way I am. I guess …  I need to GROW!!! (Can’t believe we set that as our theme).

Cheryl, on the other hand, for putting up with a jerk for 40 years, dragging her across entire continental areas in a VW van, through civil wars and other assorted stuff, she deserves a medal and a cruise and then some. So, She is very excited to go on this cruise. I am excited, but fearful. Can I handle this? Can I really relax? Can I really enjoy being caged up on a boat ship with 2,000 strangers? See! I even have to learn all this nautical terminology. Good grief!

Dang! Pray for me. This is an introvert’s nightmare.

Now, this means that I will be taking sort of a sabbatical from this blog for the next 10 days or so. I’ll miss you and hope you will miss me – sort of.  Maybe I will have Internet connection – I don’t know, never been on a cruise before. Maybe I’ll get so lonely I’ll do a post or two. Maybe I really will have a good time and not do a post. Maybe I’ll have a horrible time and do a post as therapy. If I do a post, I’ll let you know. Check back. Or, I’ll give a status update on Facebook , or a post, or a pass; or I’ll tweet to toot, or … whatever.